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Dera's mood just did a 180 shift, so it is time for a proper one of these. :|a Now, surprisingly, Gokudera had been feeling pretty good about himself up until recently. Mostly because he was doing a very good job at ignoring how much not having an arm had been bothering him before he managed to get that back. But in the last two days he's died, realized Red and Zack hadn't come back yet, and had talks with both teammates that left him feeling pretty useless as a member of their team. And then he lost the latest game which ordinarily wouldn't be a big deal, but it became more of one thanks to previous talks and deaths and shit. 8|
To start with, the arm loss and dying! Gokudera knew his rank on the team was lower while losing an arm. Whether that's actually true or not is irrelevent because he knew and that is the way things were as far as he was concerned. But he still thought going out to find Blade during the lizard attack had been the Right Thing To Do. You don't leave teammates behind, even if the risk to yourself is great; that is his idea of being a good teammate! That same mentality came up during the Trickster game when he traded himself for Hana. He knew that by not being able to win he was going to die. To be fair, at the time it didn't occur to him that no one would have voted for her; he was stressed out and worried about her being there and didn't think that far. (Although even if he had he'd have done it anyway because she shouldn't be in that situation at all. :( ) But! He thought of that as the Right Thing To Do as well. He was doing something he thought would protect a teammate, even knowing it was not going to go well for him at all.
The first problem came when he found out that Zack hadn't come back to life yet. A) What the hell, people can come back to life slower!! And B) people who SACRIFICE THEMSELVES USELESSLY CAN STAY DEAD!!1 Both of which are incredibly troubling. Gokudera was so upset by Zack still being dead after sacrificing himself in Gokudera's place that he couldn't even muster any rage at Cloud for being there while he was visiting. Instead he had a . . . relatively normal conversation with him. As normal as you can get talking about a dude who hasn't revived yet with a guy who is PRETTY CRAZY. Basically finding this out dropped his whole mood down.
ANYWAY. Next came a talk with Hana that started here and continued here. The important part is where he says that he'll protect them all as best he can, even if it means he can't protect himself as well all the time. It is the only honest way he can say it! Because it's true! At this point he really doesn't want to die, but he wants his teammates to die even less. So of course he'll sacrifice himself over them if it comes down to it. But saying that to Hana just got him kicked around and then he had to chase her all the way to Hydra's garden. :( Where she got mad at him for not following Blade when he went off alone. And etc READ THE THREAD. \o/
End result is: snapping at him for saying he wanted to protect them shook his stance of what the Right Thing To Do is; he's not so sure anymore when it makes one of his teammates flip out that much at him. He was also left feeling like a pretty shitty leader for not having gone after Blade sooner. He hadn't before because he didn't want to leave Hana alone and didn't want to dump her on another team that someone had just died on; he doesn't feel close enough to anyone here yet to be comfortable with asking them to watch a teammate right after a horrible Trickster game like that. And Hana is TINY so it didn't occur to him to take her along either. THAT WOULD BE DANGEROUS even though it happened that way anyway.
Next! Was this talk with Blade who had just reappeared to save them from being crushed by a lizard. :|a Basically an attempt at asserting leaderyness that didn't go as planned. He was completely ineffective at barring Blade from going out on solo-hunts that he thinks are way too dangerous with all the horrible beasts out there. And he got told he basically sucked and wasn't good enough of a fighter to be allowed to follow Blade. Now one of Gokudera's core traits is the desire to prove himself which he is clearly not managing now. Through his whole life he is trying to regain honor or earn a higher rank than someone he's decided is a rival or prove he's got more power or SOMETHING. :| IT IS A THING and so even without memories it is a very hard hit to realize he is doing basically the opposite of proving anything.
So in quick succession! Gokudera has had to deal with the concept of ACTUAL DEATH (since for a time he didn't know whether Zack or Red would come back or not), has ended up questioning one of his strongest moral stances, and has been told he sucks and can't hang out with his cool viking bro til he sucks less. :( Also he lost the cold endurance game. Which just sucks EVEN MORE because his mood had already been brought way down by everything else.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS NOW?!
Now Gokudera has sunk far enough for another core trait to trigger: TRAIN UNTIL HE CAN PROVE HIMSELF AGAIN :|a He's shounen, it's what happens. He's going to go spend the next week of game time (day 34-41) obsessively training his knife throwing and combat skills until he levels up and can feel better about himself again; assuming nothing happens to make him change course. WHICH IT MIGHT. But assuming it doesn't he will be around for games since those are still important to the team. He'll also be in and out of the Hydra dorms to eat and sleep, although he will be eating notably less because his appetite takes a hit when he's in a particularly bad mood or stressed out, both of which he is now. Sleep takes a hit too, actually. But the rest of the time he spends awake will be for training so it just means extra training time for him. :|a
To start with, the arm loss and dying! Gokudera knew his rank on the team was lower while losing an arm. Whether that's actually true or not is irrelevent because he knew and that is the way things were as far as he was concerned. But he still thought going out to find Blade during the lizard attack had been the Right Thing To Do. You don't leave teammates behind, even if the risk to yourself is great; that is his idea of being a good teammate! That same mentality came up during the Trickster game when he traded himself for Hana. He knew that by not being able to win he was going to die. To be fair, at the time it didn't occur to him that no one would have voted for her; he was stressed out and worried about her being there and didn't think that far. (Although even if he had he'd have done it anyway because she shouldn't be in that situation at all. :( ) But! He thought of that as the Right Thing To Do as well. He was doing something he thought would protect a teammate, even knowing it was not going to go well for him at all.
The first problem came when he found out that Zack hadn't come back to life yet. A) What the hell, people can come back to life slower!! And B) people who SACRIFICE THEMSELVES USELESSLY CAN STAY DEAD!!1 Both of which are incredibly troubling. Gokudera was so upset by Zack still being dead after sacrificing himself in Gokudera's place that he couldn't even muster any rage at Cloud for being there while he was visiting. Instead he had a . . . relatively normal conversation with him. As normal as you can get talking about a dude who hasn't revived yet with a guy who is PRETTY CRAZY. Basically finding this out dropped his whole mood down.
ANYWAY. Next came a talk with Hana that started here and continued here. The important part is where he says that he'll protect them all as best he can, even if it means he can't protect himself as well all the time. It is the only honest way he can say it! Because it's true! At this point he really doesn't want to die, but he wants his teammates to die even less. So of course he'll sacrifice himself over them if it comes down to it. But saying that to Hana just got him kicked around and then he had to chase her all the way to Hydra's garden. :( Where she got mad at him for not following Blade when he went off alone. And etc READ THE THREAD. \o/
End result is: snapping at him for saying he wanted to protect them shook his stance of what the Right Thing To Do is; he's not so sure anymore when it makes one of his teammates flip out that much at him. He was also left feeling like a pretty shitty leader for not having gone after Blade sooner. He hadn't before because he didn't want to leave Hana alone and didn't want to dump her on another team that someone had just died on; he doesn't feel close enough to anyone here yet to be comfortable with asking them to watch a teammate right after a horrible Trickster game like that. And Hana is TINY so it didn't occur to him to take her along either. THAT WOULD BE DANGEROUS even though it happened that way anyway.
Next! Was this talk with Blade who had just reappeared to save them from being crushed by a lizard. :|a Basically an attempt at asserting leaderyness that didn't go as planned. He was completely ineffective at barring Blade from going out on solo-hunts that he thinks are way too dangerous with all the horrible beasts out there. And he got told he basically sucked and wasn't good enough of a fighter to be allowed to follow Blade. Now one of Gokudera's core traits is the desire to prove himself which he is clearly not managing now. Through his whole life he is trying to regain honor or earn a higher rank than someone he's decided is a rival or prove he's got more power or SOMETHING. :| IT IS A THING and so even without memories it is a very hard hit to realize he is doing basically the opposite of proving anything.
So in quick succession! Gokudera has had to deal with the concept of ACTUAL DEATH (since for a time he didn't know whether Zack or Red would come back or not), has ended up questioning one of his strongest moral stances, and has been told he sucks and can't hang out with his cool viking bro til he sucks less. :( Also he lost the cold endurance game. Which just sucks EVEN MORE because his mood had already been brought way down by everything else.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS NOW?!
Now Gokudera has sunk far enough for another core trait to trigger: TRAIN UNTIL HE CAN PROVE HIMSELF AGAIN :|a He's shounen, it's what happens. He's going to go spend the next week of game time (day 34-41) obsessively training his knife throwing and combat skills until he levels up and can feel better about himself again; assuming nothing happens to make him change course. WHICH IT MIGHT. But assuming it doesn't he will be around for games since those are still important to the team. He'll also be in and out of the Hydra dorms to eat and sleep, although he will be eating notably less because his appetite takes a hit when he's in a particularly bad mood or stressed out, both of which he is now. Sleep takes a hit too, actually. But the rest of the time he spends awake will be for training so it just means extra training time for him. :|a